CEREAL KILLERS by Brendan

CEREAL KILLERS:

You’ve probably received an email that asks various cutesy questions and humorous oxy morons such as these:

- Why do you put two cents in when it’s only a penny for your thoughts?
- If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

If you’re looking for more of the same, I invite you to leave. For we will be heading for deeper waters as we delve into the intricacies of the enigmatic world of children’s breakfast cereals. Now do you get the title? Clever, huh? Yeah, I though so too.

COCOA PUFFS:
Sonny the Cukoo Bird has been “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” since the 1960s, but only recently has he come under fire from critics. Some accuse him of having an abnormal and unhealthy addiction to the chocolaty corn puffs. Others contend his “psychotic” outbursts are harmful to young viewers. All I can say is, “give the bird a break, people.” So, he’s excited about his favorite cereal. What of it? Can’t he show a little enthusiasm? When was the last time you had that much passion for anything?

CAP’N CRUNCH:
You may think the Cap’n’s name warrants discussion. Nope. I happen to think that “Cap’n” is a perfectly reasonable name. My curiosity lies in the unique texture of his cereal. By texture, I of course, am referring to its distinctive ability to tear up the inside of your mouth. I ask you; why must something so delicious be so hazardous? Perhaps there is a secret alliance between moms and Cap’n Crunch makers to limit the consumption of this sugary wonder. We may never know. Personally, I know it’s time to put the spoon down when the roof of my mouth starts bleeding. Now, where did I put those Sour Patch kids?

FRUITY PEBBLES:
Dear Fred: Barney is your best friend, yes? Are you really going to let colored breakfast flakes ruin that friendship? Share.

Dear Barney: I realize your prehistoric brain may not be fully developed, but ask yourself this question: which would be cheaper, buying a few boxes of cereal or concocting an extravagant plan (involving a life-size Pterodactyl suit) to steal Fred’s cereal? Why do you want his cereal anyway? You’ve already got a hotter wife and a nicer boss. Leave Fred with some dignity. Leave him with his Fruity Pebbles.

SMURF BERRY CRUNCH:
Why did you leave us, Smurf Berry Crunch? I don’t care that you turned my sister’s poop blue. Just come back… soon.

LUCKY CHARMS:
I stand behind my little, Irish brother’s obsession in protecting his stuff. It’s his leprechaun nature. I just think he got the short end of the stick. I can only imagine how things started for him.

Leprechaun Headmaster: “Sprinkles, here’s your pot of gold. Twinkles, here’s your pot of gold. Dinkles, here’s your pot of gold. Lucky, ooooh, I’m afraid we’re out of gold, but here’s a box of disgusting cat food-like cereal to keep away from menacing children.”
Lucky: “Can I at least put delicious multi-shaped marshmallow bits inside?”
Leprechaun Headmaster: “I guess”
Lucky: “What about purple horseshoes?”
Leprechaun Headmaster: “Get out of here.”

HONEY COMB:
Like Sonny, the Honey Comb monster is passionate about his favorite cereal. Unlike Sonny, he is, in fact, dangerously psychotic. Where Sonny harmlessly cartwheels about, the Honey Comb monster spins uncontrollably in a frenzied rage destroying everything in his path. Is his purpose to scare little children into eating their breakfast? You won’t see it on TV, but children everywhere have been injured by the furry, little maniac. If I ever find him in my house, I’ll lock him in the closet the first chance I get.

COOKIE CRISP:
Hey, Cookie Crook. Lose the dog. His “Cooooooookie Crisp” howl gives you away every time. Did you ever think he might be in cahoots with Officer Crumb? Think about it.

FROSTED FLAKES:
My question to little league coaches everywhere, “where the H*LL are you”? Do you realize a giant man-eater is spending vast amounts of time with your children both on and off the field? Responsibility, people... look it up. I see lawsuits in your future.

KING VITAMIN:
Dear Quaker Executives,
I understand it’s tough to compete with the Luckys and Cap’ns of the world, but “King Vitamin?” That’s honestly the best you could come up with? Unless you were one of those children fortunate enough to grow with Flintstones Vitamins (a.k.a Chewy Sweetarts), the word “vitamin” conjures visions of your mother forcing horse-pills down your throat. Envision a boa constrictor midway through a water buffalo, except the taste is worse.

What about “King Krunch” or “King Puff”? The options are there. After all, lots of cheap knock-offs have been successful. If Marshmallow Maties can do it, so can you.

Sincerely,

Someone with too much time on his hands

COUNT CHOCULA:
My congratulations to the makers of Count Chocula! Not only have they created the best cereal ever (by marrying chocolaty puffs and marshmallows bites) but their mascot rocks. What could be better than a charming Vampire Count who craves nothing more than sharing his tasty cereal with friends (Franken Berry, Boo Berry and all of us). So, why can I only find Count Chocula on the supermarket shelves during the fall? Perhaps the marketers want the cereal to coincide with the Halloween season. Well, that makes perfect sense. I know I only crave delicious things 2-3 months of the year. (Note heavy sarcasm).

TRIX:
These commercials drive me crazy. In each, a determined rabbit has to try to fool kids into sharing their cereal. How greedy are these kids? Are fruity puffs such a precious commodity these days? Someone needs to tell these kids there are much cooler things in life than 28 ounces of puffed corn. Like, oh-I-don’t-know, a SIX-FOOT TALKING RABBIT!!! You can bet my children will never act that way. “Listen, kids… share your freakin’ cereal with the silly rabbit, or I’m letting the Honey Comb monster out of the closet.”

I hope you are not dumber for having read this. For a real post please see any of Nikki’s entries.