“What if” is one of my favorite games. It’s an easy game to play. Simply say, “what if” followed by any question you can think of. Although typically reserved for long road trips and drawn out meetings, “What if” can be played any time. Just ask Nikki who has the “privilege” of playing often, especially while she’s trying to fall asleep or read in peace.
Since no one is within earshot, and Nikki deserves a break, I’ll play a quick game of “What if” by my lonesome. Feel free to substitute your own responses where applicable.
What if… Hillary Clinton becomes our new President?
Response: We’re moving to Canada where our taxes will only be 60 percent of our annual income. Mind you, I have no qualms with a woman in the White House, just THAT one.
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What if… Mitt Romney becomes our new President?
Response: He’ll owe my dad about a million favors after single-handedly financially supporting his entire campaign. Surely, I jest. Or, do I?
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What if… Nikki hadn’t convinced me to see Juno last night?
Response: I would have missed the chance to laugh for two hours straight. I’m still laughing. If you liked Nacho Libre, Hot Rod or Blades of Glory, go see this movie. If you laughed more than once during Wild Hogs or Delta Farce, don’t waste your money. Juno is not for you.
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What if… I grew a sweet Beowulf goatee to win a bet?
Response: Hello? Done that. There is ongoing debate, however, concerning the quality of the goatee. But if you ask me, it was a flawless replication of the mighty warrior’s majestic man tresses. Please note that I have no plans to grow another goatee unless, of course, we’re revisited by the late 1990’s.
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What if… Nikki didn’t have a major crush on Tim Riggins of the show Friday Night Lights?
Response: Then I would feel a lot guiltier about my crush on Lila Garrity of the same show.
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What if… I spent an hour shoveling our driveway after a snowstorm?
Response: It would snow another 5 inches that night. (Repeat this question five, no, 10 times.)
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What if… Jake and I had been successful in our efforts to franchise an Ikea in Utah back in 2001?
Response: I’d be rich enough to buy my friends instead of trying to amuse them with silly blog entries.
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What if… I reluctantly shed a tear or two while watching The Kite Runner?
Response: See it for yourself before you judge me. Besides, I’m pretty well stocked in manly man department after growing my sweet Beowulf goatee.
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What if… Aliens came to earth and forced us to reenact the Star Wars Trilogy for their amusement?
Response: Dibs on Chewbacca! I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. The suit would get hot and sweaty and may even start to stink. But hey, when ya’ll are memorizing your lines, I’ll be in the Millennium Falcon playing Holographic Chess with my droid buddies.
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What if… Stephanie Meyer rewrites Twilight from Edward’s perspective?
Response: OhMyGosh, who cares!? (This response also applies to any Dancing With the Stars or Britney Spears references.)
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What if… the Utah Jazz were in first place in the Northwest Division?
Response: Then my beloved Trail Blazers wouldn’t be. You see my dilemma.
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What if… I weren’t LDS and had to choose another religion?
Response: There are a lot of options out there, some more attractive than others. Ultimately, I’d have to go with Oprahism. Not only does she have an immense following, but you do seem get a lot of free stuff. My only hang-up would the hourly meeting five days a week. Tough call…
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What if… you are actually still reading this?
Response: I commend you for your ability to endure through this scripted blather. Rest assured, there is more where that came from.
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Stay tuned next week for a real blog entry from my sweet wife Nikki.
Peace out.
