10 Ways to know you are in Our Ward by Brendan Burke

Every ward is unique. Some are more unique than others. So, if you ever find yourself in West Jordan, Utah thinking, “I wonder if I’m in Brendan and Nikki’s ward,” here’s a helpful list.

10 Ways You Know You In Our Ward:

You notice the chapel is painted a soothing mint green. Wait, it’s really more of a “pistash, pismashio, pisashio… green gravy color.” Two points for whomever just got that reference.

Your wife catches you every time you try to sneak your Sudoku puzzles into Sacrament meeting. Moreover, your wife catches you every time you try to sneak contraband in from the outside.

Sacramento meeting lasts exactly six minutes following seven (yes, seven) consecutive baby blessings. During these weeks you’ll find yourself deep within the overflow, which means every baby held up will look the exact same. Names, however, will differ, except for the three that end in “aiden.” You know, Braiden, Kaiden, Jaiden, etc.

Opening exercises provide many (I mean, MANY) opportunities to give service. Summer months have been known to boast up to eight service projects a week. Should your schedule not permit you to help lay your neighbor’s sod or put up his fence on, say, a Tuesday afternoon at 1 p.m., there are several weekend service opportunities available.

You wonder why Brother X has never seemed liked you, only to find out two years later that he’s been holding a 900 year-old grudge since your ancestors ran his out of their Irish castle a century ago. Oh, and if you find yourself thinking, “YES!” inside your head as he explains it to you, make sure your face displays no outward expression of your internal satisfaction. I’ve never been so proud to be a Burke.

You notice three nurseries, two primaries and one priest. Also, you can count everyone older than 40 on one hand, even after losing your right thumb in a high school shop-class accident.

When closing your eyes for a prayer, you hear up to eight crying children. You would hear more, but science has proven that the human mind can only process eight different sounds at once. By science, of course, I mean my own weekly experiments.

Children in the congregation can be found in groups throughout the chapel. These “church play dates” typically feature a robust menu of fruit snacks, juice boxes, crackers, Teddy Grahams, Cheerios and more.

If you find you’re the only guy in the building wearing a shirt of color (black, for example) you’re probably the same guy who’s trying to sneak in the Sudoku puzzles.

And the #1 way to tell you’re in our ward… You see a fist-size toy metal helicopter fly straight past a row of people and hit a lady square in the head. As the poor lady grabs her head in pain, you notice the mother of the little culprit ask the injured lady’s husband to return the helicopter. No “I’m sorry”, no “are you all right?” She just asked for the toy. Where was the culprit’s father doing the entire time? He was busy playing games on his Palm Pilot not bothering to look up. I don’t blame him. At least his wife lets him bring his toys in church.