DRIVING IN UTAH

I used to think the following rules were a joke, but after dealing with an average of four daily accidents enroute to work, I am a believer.

Let’s finally admit it. We Utahns are the worst drivers on the planet.

With that, I give you...


15 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN UTAH

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Utah driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of being hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a suggestion and are apparently unenforceable in Utah during rush hour.

8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Utah driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Utah is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes.

11. It is traditional in Utah to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

12. Remember that the goal of every Utah driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

13. If a driver stupidly signals to get into your lane, accelerate as fast as possible so that they can move in behind you. They either don't know what they're doing or are from out of state. Remember, using your blinkers confuses Utah drivers.

14. If you haven't maneuvered into the correct lane to exit, because you are on an important cell phone call, feel free to swerve across 3 lanes without signaling. You wouldn't want to waste the extra fuel by waiting for the next one. Besides, that's why they widened the highway.

15. Slam on your brakes whenever you see a police officer. It's a good way to warn other drivers that they should all fall in line behind the officer to form a traffic bottleneck. Once he has safely exited, resume speeding.